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- NO MEANS NO -
Taking Back Control
you have been taught your legs are a pitstop for men that need a place to rest
a vacancy body empty enough for guests
‘cause no one ever comes is willing to stay
- rupi kaur
Why is this? Why have we been taught that men, and women, just use you for sex? There is no other meaning for sex, for your body and for you. Just sex. There is no love, appreciation, respect and trust. Only a body for their use.
What happens when you say no? What happens when you want to keep your body to yourself? When someone is so insistent to use you, what happens then?
There’s one answer, and we all know what it is. Sexual assault. Coercion. Abuse. Rape.
Every single act of rape or sexual assault is serious. The definition of sexual or indecent assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation in the form of a sexual act, inflicted on someone without their consent. Manipulation, attacks, drugging, forcing to witness or participate in any sexual act is assault.
Not every single case involved violence or physical injury and visible marking. Assault leaves you in severe distress and emotional harm which takes a long time to recover. PTSD, traumatisation, and ongoing threats are all kinds of harm is just as serious as violent and physical attacks.
In 2017, when the #MeToo movement started, hundreds of thousands of women stood up and called out their rape and assault attackers. It was started by Tarana Burke, however, it spread by social media in October 2017 by actress, Alyssa Milano, who shared her story of sexual assault against Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein is an American film producer who co-founded the entertainment company Miramax, which produced several successful independent films, including Pulp Fiction and Shakespeare in Love.
On 25th May in 2018, he was charged by New York police with rape, sex abuse and sexual misconduct involving two separate women. After surrendering to police, he was later released after a $1 million bail was posted on his behalf. This was 2 women out of 87 accusers. Among those included Meryl Streep, Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow, Cara Delevingne and Dame Judi Dench who all spoke out. It was, and still is the biggest Hollywood scandals of all time. There are countless more actresses who have testified against him.
Male actors including Colin Firth, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Benedict Cumberbatch are all among those who took aim at Weinstein voicing their disgust. Brad Pitt was among them who actively defended and threatened Weinstein after Gwyneth Paltrow (then girlfriend) told him what Weinstein had done. Barrack Obama released a joint statement with his wife, Michelle, urging women to come forward and tell their stories. Obama was one of Weinstein’s political allies during his presidency.
This is just one case of the billions around the world. South Africa and Egypt are among the countries with the highest counts of reported rape in the world. Europe, America, South America and the Caribbean are also among those with the highest counts of rape as well. What about the unreported counts of rape and assault? What about the countries who do not send out their numbers?
But what about male rape?
Historically rape has been an act solely towards women. But it isn’t. It is still a taboo subject to talk about. Male-on-male rape is common. More common than you think. So is female-on-male rape. Women rape and assault men as well. But no matter a male’s sexual orientation, it is difficult to speak up and report it due to the concept of masculinity. If a man is raped by a man, they may be fearful they will be labelled as homosexual or, regardless of their attacker’s gender, seen as un-masculine.
Our society has a very strong overhanging perception of what it means to “be a man”. There is this invisible barrier, this rule, that men cannot be victims of rape; that they are not vulnerable. The stereotype that men should be able to protect themselves, to be seen as weak if they cry. There is a fear that they will be a victim of double standards - for the prosecutor to say they were the rapists - not the other way round.
You are not to blame in any way, shape or form. And it definitely isn’t your fault. Even if you willingly took drugs, how long ago it was, who you are, what took place and the events involved, people will listen to you and they will give you the support you need.
Personally, I have been a victim of assault and I never realised it until researching rape and assault. I didn’t get raped, propositioned or threatened. But I have been grabbed, slapped on the ass in public and been accused of being a prude because I said no to someone who wanted sex. I didn’t know what to do. I was slapped when I was walking out of a bar by a guy I knew from school, I didn’t even have time to react. I was called a prude by an ex-boyfriend of mine. I broke up with him. I was uncomfortable and I knew it wasn’t right.
Some people don’t get that chance. Some people are threatened with the murder of themselves or loved ones. And some ended up in a grave because of the brutality that was forced upon them.
There is so much support now out there if you have ever been a victim of trauma, abuse, rape, and assault. Groups such as HelpGuide, SurvivorsUK, Women’s Aid, The Survivors Trust, RASASC, Victims Support and many more are all available to talk and help you. No one should be put in that position.
No one should ever experience like this. Justice will always be served and you are always in control. Remember, no means no. You are strong and you are protected. You always have been and always will be.
Please, if you have ever been a victim, please seek help. These are just some organisations available to you 24/7.
Survivors UK https://www.survivorsuk.org/
Women’s Aid https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Survivors Trust http://thesurvivorstrust.org/
Women Against Rape http://www.womenagainstrape.net/
RASASC - Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre http://www.rasasc.org.uk/
Victim Support https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/typescrime/rape-and-sexual-assault
Rape Crisis https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
NSPCC - National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children https://www.nspcc.org.uk/
NHS - National Health Service (UK) https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/helpafter-rape-and-sexual-assault/
Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/traumaand-hope/201704/overcoming-sexual-assaultsymptoms-recovery
Help Guide https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/ recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm/
Written by Hannah Mathieson
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